A Letter To You

A letter about Alan..

Alan doesn't write his own letters yet...

"Why"?? Because he's a polyeurathene bin! D'oh!

Dear you,

I have been a bad BAAD girl! (And for once this did not involve handcuffs or squirty cream! But enough said about that!)

For the last week I have been soooo busy! I had to abandon my life of hedonistic fun playing with poo and go do some *work* - and of course if you have to leave the boat to do some work you have to pass some shops and... Well... You know!! Time passes!

So I was getting home quite late some evenings and each day I was telling Alan "there there, I *will* feed you in the morning" - I would like to state for the record that at no point did I say "oh shut your yap! I'll get a-round-tuit - you're only a bloody bin!" Na-ah! Not me! I'm a caring mommy! ! Oh look! A butterfly!!

Anyway, Alan began showing signs of malnutrition and his lid temperature dropped right back to 20° - I did peek at his internals - both on 30° (oops) - Alan had become just a "normal" composting bin!!! (OH NOO!)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand (AAAAAAAAAANNNNDDD!!)

This all happened just as the new and rather good looking Hattie bin came on the scene! Alan was certain that the lovely Hattie wouldn't want to look at him while he's like this! I heard him crying in his sleep - I *did* feel guilty, but it was raining and cold... And I'm heartless!

I believe it was these factors that led Alan into an act of betrayal!!! (his betrayal of me, not mine of him! I didn't betray him... Coz look at the photos and someone actually attested that I was a good person to ask about composting!! !) But they were new here and obviously nobody has explained to her that I'm a weirdo that talks to a polyeurethane bin!

Meanwhile, Alan called the Hotbin Social Services, (who for some reason turned up dressed as a garden gnome... Not sure about why!?) He stood by Alan and 'hmmmed' and 'ahhhhed' for a while whilst I frantically attempted to hide the evidence of cream cakes and gluttony inside mi boat.. and then he proceeded to tell me that this bin (Alan, not me!) Was seriously in need of feeding!! (Ya don't say!!?)

He asked why I hadn't fed Alan all week and I *tried* to explain 'bullied into working' 'Boris and his bloody taxes' 'the need for a̷̶l̷̶c̷̶o̷̶h̷̶o̷̶l̷̶ a̷̶n̷̶d̷̶ c̷̶a̷̶k̷̶e̷̶ I mean, essential supplies'... I could see by his scowling that my excuses were not working, so I gave it one more attempt 'bad weather and boredom?'. No?? (NO!)

SO... There was only one way to go - as the g̷̶a̷̶r̷̶d̷̶e̷̶n̷̶ g̷̶n̷̶o̷̶m̷̶e̷̶ hotbin social worker (who also scowled at mi radishes by the way! RUDE!) put it, I would have to feed Alan! Oh! *That's* where I'd gone wrong! You have to FEED the polyeurethane bin! Silly me! (And they call *me* nuts!?)

So yesterday I mixed up a decent sized feed for him, and gave him a good dig around, coz - y'know, male, he likes a good back scratch!

Today his temperatures are a little higher, the lid is up to 30° the internals are both on 40° - not as hot as I'd hoped, but you know he is prone to sulking! I had a curry last night so I will attempt to bribe him with leftover cooked rice later, but he's not getting mi cream cakes!

A Letter To You From Alan The Hotbin.

In my day to day life I am fortunate enough to meet some very interesting people, with the kind of stories that I know that everybody loves to hear, I had a thought it would be nice to bring those stories to people who wouldn't normally hear them. This we can do though the writing of letters telling you about their many experiences and adventures, we can provide letters from Dr. George Lllewellyn, a slightly eccentric Crypto-zoologist, who spends his time studying the dragons that live in the mountains of Wales and can recount his many adventures and learning. We also have Betsy Booth, a talented ancestral witch of many years who attempts to unite the old ways by teaching today's baby witches with sometimes hilarious results. We have also been fortunate to secure the rights to the exploits of a hotbin called Alan who has many amusing anecdotes to tell. If you think that snail-mail is only for bills and bad news we invite you to subscribe to these and other unique characters all waiting to share their experiences with you.